why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
