That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
