glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
