My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
