At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
