My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
