i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
