I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
