Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
