I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
