Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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