Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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