fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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