I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
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My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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