I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
