how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
