Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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