Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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