shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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