My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
