there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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