my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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