This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
