I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
