i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
