WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
