Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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