Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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