You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
