i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
