I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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