omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
