I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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