I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
