I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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