No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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