No awkward lesbian experiences without me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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