saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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