Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize