I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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