While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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