quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
