I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
