never play flip cup with pint glasses
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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