i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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