Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
