you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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