did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
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Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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