Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
