new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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