insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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