so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
