Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
