i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hate all girls vehemently.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
