you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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