We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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