Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think my vagina is haunted
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
