I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
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While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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