you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
