i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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