I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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