Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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