dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
