i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
